Reason enough?

I was in ballet for a long time. I can confidently say that I enjoyed every one of those 15 years dancing with my younger sister, Ruthie and our best friend, Ashley. We must have haphazardly choreographed hundreds of our own dances as we cautiously spun and did leaps about the living rooms of our parents' houses. It never mattered if we actually knew what we were doing, or even if we were good at it or not. We had fun. I don't know if Ruthie or Ashley ever felt the intense body image pressure that most dancers face, but I know I did. While I never said anything back then, I always longed to look like a  "real ballerina." Despite knowing that I was a better dancer than some of the girls who had bodies like "real ballerinas," I knew deep inside that if you wanted to dance, you couldn't look like me. My body is perfect for the farm girl with the German heritage--solid and strong. There's nothing petite, delicate, or tiny about me. Therefore just loving to dance wasn't going to cut it. So, when high school was over, I never danced again. I loved it, but I knew that dancing was a sport not meant for girls with my body. I started running instead. I wasn't good at that, I never enjoyed it, and it was boring as crap. Trying to "like" it made me cringe.

Loving to dance was and is reason enough to do it...the same goes for being yourself, doing what makes you happy, and for living a life in celebration of abilities and strengths rather than in constantly striving to look or be "better" or "different."

Eating Disorder Awareness Week pisses me off. (Sorry, I know that's not a very eloquent way in which to speak, but it captures my sentiment) It's depressing and infuriating to me hearing grim facts and statistics about how we think that the way someone looks, or what size his or her body is, should determine his or her worth as a person...and people are literally DYING to fit a mold that they were never meant to fit! What good is it to be aware of how prevalent and misunderstood these disorders are if we still can't make them better? We try. While yes, there are some very successful treatment options, and people CAN and DO recover, the process is so long and painful that many people who suffer don't fully believe it can actually happen. True hope of having a normal life is rare in people who suffer with eating disorders. The messages are so pervasive, so deeply ingrained, and society reinforces unhealthy expectations that drive our behaviors! Many times, insurance runs out, doctors give up, therapists give up, and friends and families become worn down by how hard treatment becomes, and at best, most of us will settle for "as good as it's going to get." Nearly 20% won't even get to that point. I've watched far stronger and better people than myself lose their battles with these diseases.
That could have been my story, too, but for reasons I won't ever understand, I got a second, third, and probably a fourth chance. I was one of the lucky ones who got an opportunity to give recovery a chance, but  until a few months ago, I thought that I had to accept the "I guess this is as good as it's going to get" philosophy, too. While I was healthy, something was still missing. That "something" was the permission to actually do things that make me feel happy to have this body, my body. It is OK... not selfish, conceited, arrogant, or self-centered...to say that I am content just the way I am, and that I actually like it!

Having a week devoted to awareness of eating disorders doesn't cut it for me. I don't want to have to see people fight so hard to love themselves, or even just accept themselves. I don't want to raise awareness. I want to keep it from happening at all! No one deserves this. Can we just help people learn to love their bodies for the wonderful creations that they are already? Can we erase this picture of what we're SUPPOSED to look like?

One of my favorite movies, Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas contains a scene in which a high-school boy confesses to another student, "I guess I just wasn't made to dance."
"but...do you like to dance?"
"Well, yeah."
"Then you were made to dance."

Get it? I think that I am starting to understand. I don't care anymore if I look like I can dance or not. I can. I love it, and it is teaching me to be alive again. I was the kid who wore purple tights instead of pink ones and tied my ballet shoes on the outside because I liked the way the bows looked. It doesn't matter how we dance, or what the outside looks like. I think the only thing that matters is that we give our hearts the permission to dance our own little dance!

To those who think that you have to have sunshine in order to have happiness...consider the joy that can be discovered in dancing in the rain, jumping in the puddles, and letting the rain wash away all of those old rules that have kept you inside all these years!