"It's so nice to see you feeling better..."

Honestly, it's just nice to feel anything at all. I've never been so happy for the days that make me cry, slam doors, or spin in circles. I can be sad, pissed off, or crazy-happy and just "be."

I was asked by a former therapist for permission to use my artwork in a presentation which she will be giving. Of course, I gave it to her. Art has been the dynamite to the cold, dark walls around my past. I spent years completely closed to any indication that there was anything "wrong" with me. I was dying at my own hands, but nothing came out when asked, "Mandi, what is behind all of this? What do you feel?" Nothing. Therapists talked at me for years. I listened intently to others share their pain, but couldn't touch mine. I knew they were probably right, something was probably there, but it was too deep to even see the wounds or hear the screams.

Enter, a kind, soft-spoken art therapist that could piss me off like no one ever could. She didn't stop being nice despite my tantrums! I hated art. I had never taken an art class in my life. I had no desire to draw, paint, sculpt, or whatever she wanted me to do. I was an intellectually-minded, 20-something with aspirations of academia and research. "Don't make me paint, it's messy and I am scared that I won't be able to do it!" Oh! How I hated that I might not be good at something!

 But I was instantly hooked. There was something about moving that brush across a surface and making it come to life that made me listen to myself. I wanted to do this. No, I needed to do this.

Years went by before I could see how much I needed art. Art blasted away all of the inhibitions that my intellectual mind put on my feelings and allowed the pure, real, raw feelings to spill out...little by little, year after year. Now, I know that it saved me from my own hands. The hands that were trying to squish the life right out of me, were also the hands that would create the way to crawl out of the darkness. Now these same hands just want to express whatever is right here, joy or sorrow, anger or excitement, frustration or love are all possible! I can give hugs and receive hugs without feeling as if I will turn to stone. I can hold it all by the hand and let it be here. I'm so glad I'm finally here.