525,600 minutes

Wondering what's with the photo? This could be any blonde, frizzy-haired little kid who is smiling with with the eyes-squinted, cheesy smile that takes up her whole face. But it isn't just any cute little girl, it's me. I was 5, and this was my first day of kindergarten: August 27, 1990. I was so excited to go to school. That hasn't changed a bit. I could probably take a picture like this on EVERY first day of school!

This is my famous," I'm-so- happy-my-eyes-get-squinty-when-I smile" feeling! My dad has it too. That's why my dad has to be serious in pictures...because if he's happy, he can't keep his eyes open! Neither can I.

Oh, and in case you're wondering about the title, and what it has to do with anything--well, really nothing. I just found it interesting that there are 525,600 minutes in a year...

How many of those 525,600 minutes will I waste this year? Ok, probably quite a few of them. My German grandparents used to love telling me, "Mandi! Quit your 'keeter-putting' and get to work!" Keeter-putt was something that they called someone who we'd call a "slow-poke" or someone who is ALWAYS behind because they get distracted by this, that, and the other thing and can't get anything accomplished. I have perfected the art of Keeter-putt. My outlook on it has changed, though. I'm not wasting time, I'm using it wisely to notice and appreciate details. I'm done wasting time on the things that may or may not happen. All I have is today, and I'm going to appreciate what I have. I have everything I need, and more. It's easier to get through life this way.

No, I don't have an easy life, or nothing to worry about. And no, I'm not ignoring things that need to be done like paying bills or taking care of my health. I allow myself to worry, but because I know that I do struggle with anxiety, I know that I could worry all day! (I've done it before, and lost whole days, paralyzed in fear of doing something wrong) It takes practice, but I literally set a timer for 20 minutes everyday with a notebook and allow myself to worry as much as I can for 20 minutes. I write down what I need to. When 20 minutes is up, I close the notebook and turn on my favorite Pandora station, which is usually something bouncy and catchy. I focus on how much music makes me happy, and pretty soon I'm usually smiling, dancing around my room like an idiot, or even singing (like an even bigger idiot!). When the anxious bubbles in my belly are gone and my shoulders aren't tucked behind my ears anymore from my worry session, I get on with my day. I wasted a lot of those 525,600 minutes in a year in worrying about EVERYTHING for years and years. I'd rather have more moments of goofy, squinty-eyed smiling than of that anxiety. Maybe this year I can keep the worrying down to 7,300 minutes this year? (That's 20 minutes x 365 days--in case you wondered :) )

No, I'm not delusional in thinking that we can always feel happy. Life doesn't work like that. But remember, FEELING does not equal BEING. Feelings don't last forever. Who we are, our character and who we are to others is our BEING! Beings can have feelings, without identifying with them. For me, as my true self, is that of being happy. I don't always feel it, and sometimes I feel downright awful, cranky, sad, or hurt, but deep inside is a relatively unchanging little glow of happy. The happiness that comes from being grateful for my life, just as it is--mistakes, flaws and all.