Am I as Good as Myself?

Stand Still, Look Pretty

--The Wreckers--2006

I want to paint my face

And pretend that I am someone else

Sometimes I get so fed up

I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time

And I hate the way you look at me

I have to say

I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start

And you might think it's easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking

In the middle of the night

And then it hits me and I can't

Even believe this is my life

Ever felt this way? Yeah. Thought so. 

Now, turn it around--how many times are you guilty of looking straight passed someone else's mask, wished you were her (or him), and began feeling sorry for yourself? I'd be lying if I said that I haven't.

I can't tell you how many times I've compared myself to every other woman in the grocery store, the workplace, the gym, and let's be honest, even in my own family. I've always wanted to be my sister. So many times, we waste precious, beautiful moments, hours, days, years--some of us our whole lifetimes, in comparison. When we strive so hard to change the beautiful things that make us unique we usually have an image of someone else in our minds as the goal toward which we are striving. We want to look like so-and-so, or wish we could be like what's-her-name, or some variation of those people. How do you know they're not lying awake at night hating their life, sobbing bitter tears of regret over an unfulfilled life? You're right, you don't. 

When we stop comparing and judging ourselves against someone else whom we have chosen for our standard of measurement for beauty, popularity, success, etc. there isn't the debilitating pressure to "act as if." Being true to ourselves gives others permission to do the same. Think about it... We know when we have to "live up" to what others expect of us, we feel like a failure if we aren't living up to what others expect of us and we are pressured to fake it. We fake it, and fake it some more, and pretty soon we're staring at someone in the mirror at someone we don't know. By that time it's too late. "What if they find out that I'm really not this perfect? They all look up to me," etc. runs through our minds as we lie awake at night wondering how life got this messy. Life is woven together in funny ways like this. Our comparisons create the pressure that crushes us. 

It starts inside. One of the wisest things I've ever heard is this:

"The only person to whom it is worth comparing myself is myself. I only have to be as good as, better than, or just like myself." 

Amazingly, the feeling that comes from the permission to be myself has made me relate to the last verse of the song in the most wonderful way.

Sometimes I find myself shaking

In the middle of the night

And then it hits me and I can't

Even believe this is my life

 

As cheesy as it sounds, as I've learned to accept, love, and discover my true colors, I actually have laid awake at night with a joyful uncertainty that wonders, "is this really real life? Can this be MY life?" The answer: yes.