What's the first thing that you think of when you hear or see that word? My guess is that most of us would agree that shadows signify darkness, or the part of ourselves that we try to keep others from discovering. Shadows lurk in dark, creepy alleys that we don't like to walk through at night. Shadows represent fear and darkness.
I used to agree. My past is littered with dark and scary spots. I sensed that darkness following me around all the time. I tried to hide it so that no one would ever see how truly dark it really was. A lot of the work I've been doing in my own life has revolved around changing the way I view things that I'm scared of or uncomfortable with. So, I've tried to re-frame my perception that the "shadow" side of me is dark and scary and needs to be kept hidden. It has started to sink in, and I am starting to like looking at things this way. My shadow is my friend--always following me and trusting my lead. Now the question is, how can I rest myself in that same serene trust that my shadow has in me? How can I trust my heart?
What joy can be found in my shadow? It's amazing, and totally blows my mind most of the time, but I think that is why it's amazing to consider this: there really is joy in all things. Intellectually, this makes my brain scream, "what the hell, Mandi! You're an idiot." No, I'm not. That's why I love it. It's the things that make absolutely no sense at all that are the most comforting to me lately. I can be incredibly sad and grieving, but also have joy and love in my heart at the same time. It's an amazing and comforting feeling to rest in the assurance that once you've felt joy, and let it settle within your heart, NOTHING can take it away. It's there to stay. It's like feeling home in your own heart--whatever state its in.
I don't know when I first discovered my own shadow. Do you? I'm talking about your shadow in the most literal interpretation of the word--the area of darkness that results from light's inability to pass through the physical mass of your body. You probably don't remember when you discovered your own shadow, unless someone has told you a story about this discovery. Developmentally, this usually occurs around the same time we discover our own reflection in the mirror, which is usually around the age of 18-24 months--an amazing time of discovery. At that age, we're just shy of being able to form long-term memories yet. This occurs around age 3. So, for as far as our memories serve us, we've probably always known about our companion shadow. We have an underlying knowledge, that as long as there's a light source, our shadow is around us somewhere. Our shadow is a subtle reminder of our relationship with light--the light doesn't pass through us, it's absorbed. We soak it in...
I actually find a shadow to be very amusing..fun to play around with and see how it changes and shifts with the various movements of my body. (Think shadow puppets...or Peter Pan trying to glue his shadow back on with soap) It's more forgiving than my reflection in a mirror for some reason. I've never criticized myself in front of my shadow, as I have so many times in front of my reflection in a mirror. There's something more compassionate about the shadow. My own shadow is a constant, very visible and personal reminder of my presence--even at times when I feel the most disconnected from my bodily existence. We all do this disconnecting from our own bodies sometimes. We temporarily leave our bodies (we sort of "space out"), distracted and lost in our thoughts, pasts, worries, or faults. In some of us this disconnection is very real and very strong if we've been abused or unloved. But, no matter how fast I run, how long I spin, or how often I wander, a quick flash of that shadow reminds me, in a very visceral way to come back. If my shadow could speak to me, it would speak to that scared part of me that is hesitant to trust my heart that wonders if I matter enough to exist or take up space in this world...
No my dear, right now, you are right here. See? You're absorbing the light that is here right now. Your body uses it in whatever way it needs at this moment, and this one...and now this one, too. Watch and see as your shadow shows you just how you use this light, changing, shifting, moving, breathing. You are very much alive, present, and soaking in this light of life.
So my child, how do you choose to live and relate to this light of life? Will you ignore the shadow by your side, striving to change by frantically doing more and more, or paralyzed with shame of moments of the past, or dreading those to come? Or, my dear, will you embrace me, the very reminder of your miraculous aliveness in this moment? Can you feel the music of life and dance for joy for the the light and your life right now? This is your choice, my beautiful girl. But know that as your shadow, I will always be here to remind you how absolutely worthy you are to be here, present and alive right now. All you have to do is look down, and there I will always be. So stand in the light, feel it warm your heart and nourish the breath inside you. Open your eyes and dance with me! Take the lead--I promise to always trust your lead and follow you closely.
So, I've decided that my shadow, no matter how dark it is, is beautiful. For it truly has been through my darkest moments that I grown to become the strong, confident, enthusiastic, and reinvented person that I am today. Without those dark moments, my life would be a very empty place and I would never have discovered that I really capable of feeling and living joy! So, yes. I can dance with that beautiful shadow of mine! Will you?
I actually find a shadow to be very amusing..fun to play around with and see how it changes and shifts with the various movements of my body. (Think shadow puppets...or Peter Pan trying to glue his shadow back on with soap) It's more forgiving than my reflection in a mirror for some reason. I've never criticized myself in front of my shadow, as I have so many times in front of my reflection in a mirror. There's something more compassionate about the shadow. My own shadow is a constant, very visible and personal reminder of my presence--even at times when I feel the most disconnected from my bodily existence. We all do this disconnecting from our own bodies sometimes. We temporarily leave our bodies (we sort of "space out"), distracted and lost in our thoughts, pasts, worries, or faults. In some of us this disconnection is very real and very strong if we've been abused or unloved. But, no matter how fast I run, how long I spin, or how often I wander, a quick flash of that shadow reminds me, in a very visceral way to come back. If my shadow could speak to me, it would speak to that scared part of me that is hesitant to trust my heart that wonders if I matter enough to exist or take up space in this world...
No my dear, right now, you are right here. See? You're absorbing the light that is here right now. Your body uses it in whatever way it needs at this moment, and this one...and now this one, too. Watch and see as your shadow shows you just how you use this light, changing, shifting, moving, breathing. You are very much alive, present, and soaking in this light of life.
So my child, how do you choose to live and relate to this light of life? Will you ignore the shadow by your side, striving to change by frantically doing more and more, or paralyzed with shame of moments of the past, or dreading those to come? Or, my dear, will you embrace me, the very reminder of your miraculous aliveness in this moment? Can you feel the music of life and dance for joy for the the light and your life right now? This is your choice, my beautiful girl. But know that as your shadow, I will always be here to remind you how absolutely worthy you are to be here, present and alive right now. All you have to do is look down, and there I will always be. So stand in the light, feel it warm your heart and nourish the breath inside you. Open your eyes and dance with me! Take the lead--I promise to always trust your lead and follow you closely.
So, I've decided that my shadow, no matter how dark it is, is beautiful. For it truly has been through my darkest moments that I grown to become the strong, confident, enthusiastic, and reinvented person that I am today. Without those dark moments, my life would be a very empty place and I would never have discovered that I really capable of feeling and living joy! So, yes. I can dance with that beautiful shadow of mine! Will you?
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| photo courtesy of Pinterest |
I was thinking about sending you a note just yesterday, hoping you were out there somewhere :) And this post just reinforces why I wanted more... every time I read what you write, I just keep thinking "YES!!". We are very much on the same page (though I do think you are further down the road than me, so I'm trotting along a few steps behind...)
ReplyDeleteYour view of the shadow is lovely and I had not pondered how, as you say, it's always been there and I have never judged it. That is just such a beautiful piece of wisdom and grace. It's as if the shadow is the sister to our souls... both there, but untouchable, unknowable without presence and mindful awareness.
Thank you so much for your very sweet, kind words! You have made my day! I had some serious writer's block this past month (ok--to be honest, it was most likely the fact that the dreary Wisconsin winter finally let up and I couldn't get enough of the outside and sunshine). I'm so glad you're on this road too! It doesn't matter how far you are along the path, just being there is an amazing testament to your strength and determination! Keep it up! You're not alone :) Thank you again.
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