Been there, done that

Body image is a tricky thing. Some people say that no one (eating disorder or not) really likes her/his body. Well, that sort of sucks. I'm not quite sure I am willing to buy into that.

To those of you who know me, what I just wrote may make you hit the floor. Well, your eyes aren't playing tricks. I said it. I think that's a cop-out. It's an excuse to accept feeling crappy about ourselves and save a reason to degrade ourselves. I know it is. I've done it. Something inside feels as if it has to hold on to that hatred so that there is justification for torture, mean words, and unkind thoughts. I don't know when or where that part of me went, but one thing is for sure- it is NOT welcome back. I've posted an eviction notice for it. There are "Wanted Dead or Alive" signs all over this town for that villain.

I looked into a full-length mirror today at school and had a realization.
I can't change one thing about myself and still be 100% me...because it's all connected. The parts of my body depend on the other parts to be just as they are in order to collectively be "me." I can't be myself if even just one part isn't as it is.

My body image has been awful since I was 8. I've hated my body my whole life. This has embodied itself in the form of a deadly eating disorder for the past 6 years. There was a point about a year ago, at which getting dressed was a 2-hour process that ended in tears EVERY day. I know what it feels like to loathe your body so intensely that you wish you were dead rather than look at the body you have. Yet, I still refuse to accept that I won't like my body...because today for a moment, I did.

Treatment providers have always told me to find one thing I like about myself or about my body and start there. Ok. Fine. I decided that I liked my height. I'm not super-tall, but I'm not short. I am 5'8" on a good day (aka, I'm not walking around hunched over like a troll) is a perfect height. So, today when I saw my 5'8" self, I turned sideways and thought, "ok, that looks like an average-sized butt for someone 5'8" tall." Then I started thinking about something. "Well, if I'm ok with my height, and that my butt is just right for that height...then I sort of have to be ok with my thighs and legs the way they are, because otherwise they wouldn't be able to support my height, or my tush....and if I had different arms, well, then I'd either look like a T-rex, or an ape. So, maybe this IS perfect?"

I stepped back and looked at the whole picture...yeah, taking away/changing even just one thing would make me not-Mandi-ish. Actually, this is me, and I'm ok with that. In fact, I really don't want to be anybody else. In order to be Mandi Degner, this is perfect. I don't mind it. In fact, yes. I sort of like it. I like my butt, and my height...and the strong legs that hold them up. It suits me and I promise to learn to give it the love of which I deprived it for so long. I can and will make up for lost time. Will you?