My choice.

It's been a few days since I've written anything. I know it doesn't matter, because I am likely the only one who reads my posts anyhow!

I thought I was born a pessimist. I've always worried about almost everything. I have lived in a perpetual state of anxiety for most of my life. Tonight I realized that I was actually anxious about not being anxious, and  how absolutely ridiculous that felt! I was questioning why I wasn't as freaked out about life as my peers.

I've just chosen not to worry. No, this doesn't mean I've become some sort of slacker, lazy, or passive kind of person. I'm still just as motivated and goal-driven as I have always been. I'm just choosing now to take the "freaking out" part OUT of that mix. It doesn't help anything. Seriously, if something bad is going to happen to me, it's going to happen whether I'm worrying about it or not. My worrying doesn't change what life holds for me. I can't add extra happiness to my life by worrying, just like I couldn't worry enough to keep bad things from happening to me in the past. I worried about them, but I couldn't change them. People still hurt me even though I was worrying about how to keep them from hurting me. What's going to happen, is going to happen. I am letting go of the need to feel anxious about living. In being anxious, I'm keeping myself from experiencing things to their full potential. Even when I let pain, anger, hurt, or sadness just happen as life unfolds, I feel more alive than I ever did when I was worried about how much things hurt or how much I was crying and when I would stop, etc. I'm too tired to worry anymore. I've spent 5 years worrying in an insane way about my body...and what have I learned? That there's really not a whole lot I can do about what my body does anyways. Most of it is just going to happen. No, that doesn't mean be careless. I respect my body, but I'm not worried about what it's going to do with the peanut butter toast I just ate at 11pm. Thank God I don't have to worry about that. I'm too tired to care about that anymore. I have better jobs for my neurons!